I know. Months have passed, yet again, and I haven’t written at all. Not even to say hi. To be honest, I’ve been busy. Today is my fourteenth birthday. In a couple of days, we move from this house, fly to California and then drive for about a week to get to stay with close friends until we find a place to live on our own.
With my step-dad's funeral, packing and getting ready for this move, and then all the school that happened in between, I’m pretty tired. I haven’t had a lot of me time during it all. I feel like I've been wandering aimlessly for a while. My friends don't really understand. I ended up being gone from school for two weeks after my step-dad's death and everyone had written me letters telling me that everything would be okay and that hiding at home wasn't going to help anything. I know my friends meant well, they just have no clue. I haven't told them the real story. They think that my step-dad died of natural causes. No one knows what really happened in February or in my past.
Learning about Wicca has pretty much taken a backseat in my life. I had a bad experience with one of the exercises Lizzie and I had been practicing. It's a little led-on game called White Room, White Walls. The entire thing is led by one person who is there as a guide, and the ones participating fall into a trance-like state while doing the exercise. It starts off with everyone chanting "white rooms, white walls" over and over again until you are "in" the area you need to be. Lizzie and I would do this with each other, alternating turns. However, Lizzie and I wanted to do this together, so we asked our friend Anthony to be our guide as he had watched us do this on multiple occasions and knew what was supposed to be said and so on. Anyway, while the three of us were on the bus ride home from school, Tony led us through the exercise.
First, when you're in, you come across a large building, similar to a hospital, that you must enter and walk through its halls. On the many occasions that Lizzie and I did this, we tested each other to see what each one would "see." We would separate and write down the descriptions just to get back together and find that they were almost identical. She and I would "see" each other in the visions and we could describe the same clothes. We also saw the same building and architecture. The only discrepancies came with colors. For example, while we could both agree that I "wore" a tank top with slacks, tennis shoes, and a heart drawn on my chest, the colors of the clothing or accessories wouldn't always be the same. Regardless, we knew we were doing it right because of how eerily similar the "visions" were without the prompting of anyone else.
Second, after walking through the hallways you walk into a room, more like a cell really, that is of pure white. The way you get to the room differs from guide to guide. It could be right, right, left, right, third door to your left one day, and a totally different route the next. Regardless of what paths you take to get there, the room is always a blinding white and has a teddy bear sitting on the floor. No one ever chose a color during any of the times we did this. When we all drew the bear, it looked the same, with the same red bow tied around its neck, however, the color of the fur was different. Lizzie had a black teddy, mine was brown, and our friend Angela, who only tried the exercise once, saw a pale grey teddy.
Third, you talk to the bear on the floor. I know, it sounds silly, but that's part of the game. The bear is supposed to give you some sort of message or insight. The last part of the game is taking with you what he told you and then being guided out of the building by the guide. The problem that Lizzie and I had, though, was that we had played this game too much. We had been talking to this bear on an almost daily basis. He seemed to have gotten annoyed with us, as we saw this as a game, and one day had us "kicked-out". We didn't even have the time to be guided out. Lizzie and I literally fell out of our chairs at the same time with Angela asking if we were okay and why we hadn't waited for her cue to go.
Lizzie felt that she should go in and apologize to the spirit that controlled the bear. Mind you, we weren't actually sure what the bear was, whether spirit, or god, or whatever. I felt that this was a crazy idea and I didn't want her to go alone. I also believed, and still do, that this was something that we shouldn’t have been messing with in the first place being new to the whole practice. Regardless, we asked Tony to guide us through on the way home. Everything went without a hitch until we reached the white room with the bear. As soon as we entered I was immediately kicked out. The bear's eyes had turned red in our vision, took one look at me, and I was knocked right out of there. When I opened my eyes, I panicked, signaling Anthony, telling him that Lizzie was stuck. I was the only one who had come to, and there was Lizzie, limp and unconscious beside me. I didn't want to shake her for fear of hurting her, so I tried to get back in without any luck. Oh my god, did this suck hard. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of fear I had running through my veins and choking at my throat. He we were, a bunch of thirteen-year-olds without a clue of what we were doing.
Anthony told me to calm down and wait, he was still holding on to one of Lizzie's hands and he could still feel her heartbeat and see her breathing. Anthony, as calmly as he could, slowly guided her back out of the trance and she came to on her own. I was shaking. Lizzie seemed to be okay. She smiled and told me that the bear had accepted her apology. That day on, though, I decided to never do anything like that again. I needed a lot more knowledge to go on "adventures" like that again.
Needless to say, when I have the time again, I'm going to be doing a lot of reading before trying anything out. The occult world is so different from what I have been brought up in. While it's sparkly and inviting, I didn't realize just how bad things could get. Sure, the experience I had was pretty mild, but still, it showed me that there are things out there I shouldn't mess with unless I truly know what I'm doing. I'm a novice, and a kid at that. For now, I'm sticking to reading, note taking, and never messing with anything again until I am absolutely ready.
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